“…That time I walked out of Target without spending a penny.”

You know how it goes.

You make a “quick stop” at Target on your way home from work.

You need laundry soap, toilet paper, tampons. For instance.

But darn if they don’t know what they’re doing by putting the ladies’ clothes right in front of the entrance.

And sparkly purses! And envelope clutches with bejeweled closures! And shimmery scarves!

So, my little shopping basket which was only meant to hold generic laundry soap, perhaps some bleach, a few rolls of TP, and Kotex ended up with:

A cute flannel. (“Nice and comfy for weekends at the cabin!” Even had a hi-lo hem to cover the butt when worn with leggings and fuzzy socks. Great! )

A sparkly cami (“I know cream is really NOT my color — but it has SPARKLES on it! Cute for work or…..those theoretical “date nights” that NEVER (who are we kidding?) call for sparkly, dressy tops!”)

A sparkly sweatshirt. (“Why should sweatshirts be boring and sporty all the time? This would be great with black jeans and those point-toed flats………!”)

A practical v-neck sweater in a “tomato soup” shade. (“On clearance!”)

Then I saw some spectator pumps with metallic caps on the toes. In half a dozen colors! Oooh — coral……..

Size 6: in the basket.

Next up: clearance wallet. Sort of snake-skin printed thing but with some….shimmery accents (of course. When did my tastes become so “My Little Pony?”).

Also — that shimmery scarf.

All of a sudden, basket is too full for the laundry soap and TP.

Okay — sudden moment of self-awareness — time to ditch the superfluous Girl Crap.

“Heather Adair, you have a WEDDING to save for — unless Sequin Sweatshirt is to be worn while WALKING DOWN THE AISLE, put that basket down, and walk straight to the cleaning products — make NO stops for nail polish or makeup brushes or candles. NONE.”

So — fine, I listened to myself. I set that basket down at the end of the greeting card aisle and walked away.

By the by — I decided that it’s not possible to fit bleach, laundry soap, 12 rolls of TP and the tampons in a hand basket. SO, on the way back to cleaning supplies, I picked up a cart.

Good — okay, now we have room for What We Came For.

Except that I had to head back past the women’s coats on my way to The Carts.

Shawl-collar wool coat, only $60.

Man — I don’t have a winter coat this year. I survived last year’s snow in a Forever21 faux leather bomber jacket that has holes in the lining. $60. I could afford that. I do, actually, NEED a winter coat, since all of the rest of my jackets MOLDED IN THE BASEMENT OF THE CABIN IN THE STICKS.

It’s true.

So, I tried on that coat.

Felt very Hepburn. Or Jackie O. Mr Wonderful would like it. I could feel good about wearing the stretched out, hole-riddled leggings and my 4 year-old, not-quite-cute-anymore boots if I had a great “statement coat” to wear over the top of everything. It classes up the chambray button downs. It looks timeless.

$60.

Okay: into the cart.

Proceed directly to cleaning supplies.

Picked up the big laundry soap. $7.99. But: 110 loads!

Picked up the generic jug-o-bleach. $1.79.

Passed the 2/$5 Glade candle display: holiday scents. “Hmmm — okay, we do burn through a lot of candles in the winter. That’s a good deal…..we usually pay $4 for those at Rite-Aid. Mmmm — that clementine scent is pretty yummy. Okay — two vanillas, two orange-smelling ones, $10. Not bad.”

Into the cart.

Then noticed the clearance air fresheners. They look neat — little jars full of jiggly little balls of goo that shrink as they give off scent. Never seen such adorable innovation in air freshening. “Wow — could put one of those in the Dog’s Room and the house would smell Less Like Dog. YES — for $2, that’s a steal. MMMM, no more Dog Smell. Instead: cinnamon apple jiggly pearls of yummy-smell that look like that chemical weapon in “The Rock.”

Into the cart.

Alright — grab the tampons and get out of this store. You’re buying more than you planned on buying.

SO, found the cheap box of lady products, tossed ‘em in the cart, headed for the checkout.

Er — headed past the beauty products on my way to the checkout.

“Hey — I’m out of makeup remover wipes. $3.60…..good price.”

Into the cart.

“OH — curling irons. Need to replace my 1.5″ before the wedding — wedding hair needs the bigger barrel. AHA — there. They have the clipless kind that doesn’t taper — $20. PERFECT. Hey — that’s a wedding investment, it’s OK to buy. You’ll need it in the next 3 weeks, anyway.”

Into the cart.

“Ooooh! Cheap, ghetto nail polish in a holiday tin! 14 shades for !$10…..!!!!!!!!! Just $10! 14 colors! Ooooooh.”

Like a fly to a zapper:

Into the cart.

Okay — make a quick escape — just head to the checkout.

…..after you do a quick test of that No.7 Redness Reducing Serum. Supposed to calm and soothe pink, irritated skin. “Mmmm, my skin is pink and irritated by this time of year. Wedding investment. Imagine NOT having such a pink nose and chin on wedding day. Imagine using LESS makeup on nose and chin. Mmmmm. “Sure! Because skin products ALWAYS work as advertised, and bargain store miracle serums have been SO effective up to this point………….”

Into the cart.

Then I realize the cart is full.

Coats, nail polish, candles, face creams, curling irons……..and this is AFTER I exercised some self-control and left that basket full of clothes at the end of  the aisle.

Good long, hard look at the cart. Quick dig through the purse. Still have a few Lady Products at the bottom of the purse, enough to last a few days.

So, I did something I’ve never done:

I left that cart right there, I turned around, I LEFT THE STORE.

With nothing.

And the “leaving with nothing but $200 more in my bank account” felt SO much better than taking home that cheap nail polish and discovering it chips after a day. Felt SO much better than discovering I’m allergic to the “anti-redness serum.” Felt SO much better than putting on that coat in front of the mirror at home. Er — well, no, I regret not picking up the coat. BUT — having $60 more in the wedding fund (even if Forever21 faux leather jacket is a little worse for the wear after another year of use) feels better than wearing the coat.

And, I talked Mr Wonderful into picking up some laundry soap and TP on the way home. Which meant that’s ALL he bought. He didn’t buy a cart full of candles and hair appliances and jackets and DVDs on his way to the checkout. He just brought home laundry soap and toilet paper.

But I brought home my dignity (AND exercised a little self-control. And learned that I can say no to myself and walk back out of the store and feel BETTER, not worse).

The things we can learn in the Target aisles.